Self-deprecation

Appreciation for one’s self is good.  We need to relax in our own skin; be relaxed enough to have a friendly demeanour. I wonder if appreciation for ourselves isn’t amplified by thankful thoughts.

Last night I read some past blog entries.  I started to compare and categorize.  I thought of which were good, better, or best.  The grading was easy.  It went like this: Best – 0; Good – maybe a few; Better – they could all be better. I felt sorry for the reader.  I was thinking the positive comments some readers are giving me were solicitous, polite, or just being nice.

So, a year ago (actually, a year and three days ago as I write), I was on a gurney at the Foothills Hospital in Calgary.  Constricted arteries had caused a heart attack.  I needed stent procedure, if I were to live.  I wanted to relax.  The doctor beside me rapped my shoulder.  Sharp.  “Don, don’t leave us now!” As though I held my life in my own hands.  As though my will to live was required to give the team enough time to prepare the procedure room and correct the problem.

My mind was clear, crystal clear, between the jabs of incredible pain. I thought of life. I thought of death.  I asked Jesus to cover for my irregularities, for the unfinished business I had left behind.  I asked him to take me home.  I could see the rest in heaven. I could rationalize the joy of no more struggles. I understood that if Don left, the possible ripple it would create on the sea of life would shortly dissipate into the horizon. 

However, God had other plans.  I lived.  My work on earth wasn’t finished.  So, I write.  Why?  Because I think God wants me to.  Why me?  I don’t know.  We are a few months from having a business course ready for use.  I authored it.  Why me?  I don’t know.  Is it any good?  I don’t know.  Will it flop?  Will it get great reviews?  Will my ego soar?  Will it crash?

Yes and no.  No and yes.  It will depend if I take my eyes off the Lord.  If my eyes will stay on the Lord, as they were a year ago while on the gurney, then it will be okay.

My estimation of myself isn’t God’s estimation. Your estimation of yourself isn’t God’s, either. So, we may as well rest our case.  Relax.  Look to Jesus.  And say like Samuel, “Speak, Lord, for thy servant heareth.”  Or like Isaiah, “Here am I; send me.”